


a moment of weakness

by apatheticAbsorption



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Letters, One Shot, Short, Short One Shot, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:54:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23645731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apatheticAbsorption/pseuds/apatheticAbsorption
Summary: I want so badly to believe that you’re all still out there, that you’ll come knocking at the door and all will be well. I’ve torn myself apart trying to avoid the reality that you’re all truly gone.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	a moment of weakness

**Author's Note:**

> this work was heavily inspired by "honey and milk" by flower face.

_To my dear family,_

_Mama, I miss the way you’d sing to me when I was stuck in the house, unable to go out with Ciel and Papa on account of my poor health. I miss the warmth of your arms around me and the comfort that your heartbeat brought me in times of peril. I’d give anything to have you wipe my tears away one last time. I love you.  
Papa, I wish I could’ve gone out with you and Ciel more often. I would’ve demanded that I be allowed to go, had I known that you’d be ripped away from me so soon. It hurts me to know that you’ll never see me blossom into adulthood. You’ll never see me wed, never meet your grandchildren (assuming I live long enough to have any children, that is). I can only hope that I would’ve made you proud with all I’ve accomplished. I love you.  
Aunt An, I hardly understand why you were driven to kill those women. Even so, I miss you so much it hurts. You offered me comfort in my mother’s absence. I regret never having thanked you, instead electing to shove you away like a foolish child. I forgive you for your foolish choices, no matter how destructive they may have been. I love you.  
Ciel, my dear brother. Words cannot express how much I cherish you, in life and in death. I wish I could openly speak of the memories we shared together. You were my best friend, my protector, and I feel as though half of me died along with you. I miss the silly games we played when we were meant to be sleeping. I’m sorry I’ve had to lie under your name to get this far in life. I love you.  
Sometimes, when I find the time, I stare out the open window of my bedchambers. I’ve driven myself mad trying to find you in the form of four extra stars, to no avail. I want so badly to believe that you’re all still out there, that you’ll come knocking at the door and all will be well. I’ve torn myself apart trying to avoid the reality that you’re all truly gone. I can’t get through this life alone. I am a fraud, a boy playing the part of a man. Sebastian, my butler, serves as nothing more than a hollow replacement for you. He cares for me in the same way that a fox cares for a field mouse. He knows it not, but when he puts me to bed I often cry into my bed sheets, comforted only by the darkness surrounding me.  
I wish so badly that it was me, that I could’ve taken your places. I could’ve served my purpose as Ciel’s spare and died free instead of living this horrid, twisted lie that I’ve caught myself up in. I’m so sorry that I was unable to complete such a simple task as that. I know, deep down in my core, that I will carry that regret to my grave.  
I can only hope that you’ve truly helped brighten the night sky, that my exhausted eyes have missed you in their neverending search.  
I will love you all until the day I am devoured, and I promise to make that love live on even after my demise._

_Your son, your nephew, your brother,  
Earl of Phantomhive_


End file.
